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The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Bad Leg

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Airline Rage

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

Not for Lunch

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" )

The Dying Man

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Useless in the Parking Lot

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

45 or 82?

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

Funeral Comments

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow. The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

Wait Your Turn

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

Rabbit Resurrection

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

Dangers of Casual E-Mailing

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter on the address and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a loud scream, and fell to the floor in a faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE...

Feeding Fur

A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said: "Dad, I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter."
"Quiet!" retorted the father. "Your mother is in the next room!"

Where is Jesus?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

Safe to Swim Here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

The Sour Sales

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles." "No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, the Game Warden hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Contact Lens

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Fallen

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Pirate Insurance

After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg." The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?" "Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate. "That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent. The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!" "What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent. "Well, y'see," he replied, "It were the first day with me hook!"

If Only You Had Looked

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

Cremation

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

Passing An Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim

Anagrams

An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Astronomer - Moon Starer


This one's amazing: From Hamlet by Shakespeare


To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.


Becomes:


In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.


And the grand finale:


"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong


becomes:



A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Recent Quips From Late Night

"President Bush gave his weekly, regular radio address on Saturday and the theme was pro-marriage. And then right afterwards, Bill Clinton gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno



"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City ... and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman



"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno



"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted police up in Canada ... busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' ... The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman



"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security ... announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. ... Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. ... So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. ... Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart


"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno